For the Love of Cheese: Extreme Turophilia

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Dear Lucerne Dairy Products,

I am writing about your product naming abomination – the “Mexican” four cheese blend. This bag of shredded cheese you offer is nothing short of an insult, and I feel it is my duty to inform you that nothing about the contents of this bag have any correlation to Mexico.

This blend consists of the following cheeses: Cheddar, Mozzarella, Colby, and Monterey. To further break this down let’s refresh ourselves on cheese-making history. You’re sixth grade grasp of geography will come in handy.

Cheddar cheese hails from Cheddar, of course. A quiet little burg in the region of Somerset, England. They’ve been making Cheddar there since the 12th century. In simpler terms – the 1100s. This is roughly 392 years prior to Columbus sailing the ocean blue, and leading to the occupation of Latin America by the Spaniards including the area now known as Mexico. Since this cheese hails from entirely different continent, we’ll have to scratch that first one off your list. Nice try.

Mozzarella is made in southern and southeastern Italy. Think bottom of the calf, down the ankle, almost to the toe of the boot. It is estimated that Mozzarella was born around 1000 and was created with Buffalo milk. Yes, Buffalo milk. Are there buffalo in Mexico? Is Mexico part of Italy? No on both counts. Again, you’ve put a European formaggio into the mix. Yes, it’s a fantastic cheese. From Italy. Your number two cheese must be replaced immediately.

Colby is made in Colby, Wisconsin, USA. Way to go, Lucerne, you’re finally on the right continent. But there is absolutely nothing about the great lakes and the super cheese making region of Wisconsin that says Mexico. Not the frigid ass winters or the foam cheese-wedge hats football fans wear while the “Pack” kill it at Lambeau Field. Yes, they are Wisconsin’s version of the sombrero, but they are definitively not Mexican. Neither is cheese number three. It has to go.

Monterey Jack is made in Monterey, California, USA and was invented during the 19th century by Mexican Franciscan monks. Just because the monks were from Mexico and Monterey, CA is consistently confused with Monterrey, Mexico does not make this a Mexican cheese. It makes it an American cheese crafted by Mexican men of the cloth. I can understand a little history/geography mix-up with this one, but a quick Wikipedia search reveals you’re a bunch of liars. The monks wouldn’t approve and neither do I. This cheese must be extracted from the blend.

I recognize the temptation to name this smattering of delicious cheeses “Mexican”. However, as I have just pointed out to you, they clearly are not. What this tasty blend represents are cheeses that are great melted on Mexican food. Therefore, I insist you change its misleading name right now. I have a few suggestions.

“Epic cheese blend that tastes great on nachos”
“Cheese for every enchilada”
“Your Quesadilla called and it’s looking for this cheese blend”

OK, so that last one was a bit wordy, but you get the idea. You can’t keep going around calling a cheese blend “Mexican” when it historically and geographically is proven otherwise. For a real Mexican blend you may want to consider some awesome cheeses that actually come from Mexico: Panela, Queso Blanco, Requesón, and Cotija just to name a few.

Your move.